ELIRA

Setting: One fine afternoon in an old rattan room. A single bed is situated in the corner with a rattan table beside it with a glass of water and a frame on top of the table.

Monologue

(Elira enters the room)

Elira: (in a weak tone)What a fine day.

(goes to the open window after a pause)

Mama is surely outside selling turon and banana cue and Papa is out there driving people from one place to another using an old tricycle he just borrowed. I hope I could help them. I wish I was the same as before. I wish I was the jolly and friendly girl just like then ’cause it hurts seeing them like this.

(starts to tear up)

Working their asses off just to pay for my medicines and my treatments. It’s hard for me too that every single day I feel like something inside is killing me. It all started when I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. Patients with this type of leukemia typically survive for only four to six months after diagnosis, even with aggressive chemotherapy. I’m a hypocrite if I would say that taking my own life never did cross my mind. I did, but thinking of my parents; Why would I give up? When my own parents never did thought of giving me up? And it’s my 5th month now! I know, so I should never lose hope.

(taking a deep breath while wiping away tears)

Back then I don’t usually do prayers and such. I don’t know, I’d rather hang out with my friends than to go to church, but that was a long time ago. Back when I was still a kid, an innocent kid who doesn’t understand things clearly. Maybe because I don’t get to understand why we have to pray and why is there God? Is he going to make everything we want come true?

(Nostalgically)

But I can’t stop thinking. When someone we loved dies, what do we do? We grieve, we mourn, and then we move on. It’s a cycle. Life’s a cycle.

(getting the glass of water)

Just like water. It flows continuously. Life is just like water. Even if you die, the world won’t stop revolving just for you.

(reminiscing)

I vividly remember what my older relatives once told me that when a dog does a weird sound or ‘umaalulong’, they said it’s a sign that someone will die. Not everyone believes in that, but I actually do. Almost 8 years ago, our dog made that weird sound when my grandfather was rushed to the hospital, and then later that night, he was already gone. And all I remember was me, together with my other relatives, crying. This makes me question myself; did he have fun while he’s still alive? Was he happy to see his children grow? I wish I was able to ask him those, but I’m sure that I’ll meet him again. We may never know when. Time will come.

I just turned 17, I may be young but what if tomorrow, I’ll die? With this illness I have, it’s not impossible. And when I die, what happens? What happens to my family? They will be sad for the meantime but then they will move on. What about me? What happens to me? I guess I’ll just turn into a ghost then scare my relatives.

Before, I can hang out with my friends, go out and eat after school. Before, I can do all those things freely, but now, I’m just here, in my room. Chances of me, dying tomorrow are high. I am now 18 and I should be in my 12thgrade but things aren’t going according to plan. The moment I found out I have cancer, I don’t know what to feel. It seems like I’m stuck. While everyone was busy living, I’m just here, alone in my room.

Unlike before, the neighborhood seems so quiet now. I can’t hear the dogs anymore, what happened to them? How about the birds? Everything seems so dull to me. I tried reading books even though it’s not my thing, I watched series and dramas, and when I have nothing to do, I always ask myself, will my life be like this forever? No, because I know for sure that I’ll die soon.

(reminiscing)

I remember, before I went home, my friends and I will go to this place where we usually hang out, we usually watch other students go home, while we sip our drinks, and after some chitchats, we’ll decide if we should go home or stay for a while. There were also times that I couldn’t join them, my mother gets mad when I go home late, that’s why. Life was really good to me back then.

(smiles weakly) Hmm, those good times.

The day after I processed what the doctor said, when everything has sunk in, “How am I going to live my life now?” was the question that I have on my mind. Now that months have passed, I am finally getting used to my new life. I get tired easily, there were also times that I can’t talk because I feel like I will run out of breath, and the worse is I can’t do anything but lay down, having to experience those was really hard. I’ve never experienced being this useless before, I feel so lonely. My name celebrated the word freedom, but why do I feel like I don’t have that ‘freedom’? It seems like freedom was taken away from me. I’m just 18, why is life making everything so hard for me? Ah… God isn’t there just to make everything we want come true, He is not a genie after all. He has unique plans we might never understand ’til we die.

(eating some snacks and staring at nowhere)

It’s now the first week of October, my 6th month. I am not getting any better, my parents are just scared to tell me that but I already know. As my situation gets worse, my parents are also having a hard time working to pay for my medication. They always give me something to eat, but I think they need it more than I do. I already lost my appetite; I already lost my willingness to live now that I know I’m a burden to them.

(now looking outside the window)

I know that this month will be my last, but my parents are making it hard for all of us, they don’t want to let go even though I am now ready to go. When can they understand that life isn’t permanent, and that nothing lasts forever? We will all die soon; I’m just going to leave early.

(dreaming)

Elira: Lolo? You’re now here with me! I missed you, Lolo!

That’s Lolo, right? I’m not dreaming, no.

(slowly opens her eyes, crying)

It’s just a dream. I really miss my grandfather and now it seems like he’s coming to get me. But how can I leave peacefully knowing the fact that my parents will be miserable?

(sighs)

This illness has made me realize a lot of things. First is the fact that I’m too young and there are so many things that I haven’t done and experience. I celebrated my 18th birthday with my family; we don’t have money so I wasn’t able to experience having a debut. It’s okay though, I understand. In my situation, I have no choice but to always understand.

Second, I realized how much my parents love me. I don’t remember feeling this so loved before. They are more than willing to help me heal. But I guess it’s just not enough. My cancer cells are really strong; they don’t want to leave me.

(continues staring at the ceiling, feeling more lonely)

Even though I can feel my parents’ and friends’ support, I still feel empty. Something inside me is telling me not to get too close to them so that it will be easier for me to leave. I am more than ready to leave because I know it’s my fate and I’m accepting it, I already accepted that fact a long time ago. It was them who aren’t ready to send me off.

(gets up and gets a paper and a pen)

I feel dizzy but I manage to get up from my bed to get some paper and a pen. Today, I really want to write, I used to be the class’ secretary, they always say that my handwriting is really nice.

(smiles while remembering small details)

What should I write? I don’t have anything on my mind right now.

(While thinking deeply, she suddenly thought of Him.)

I do remember before asking God to help me heal, I always talk to Him and tell Him that I want to live longer, that I still have dreams to fulfill.

(Haves a clue on what to write)

Dear Mama and Papa,

How are you? Take it easy, okay? Don’t stress yourselves out, you should be taking care of yourselves. Don’t mind me anymore, I can handle myself. I’ll tell you something, it’s been months the last time I ask God to help me, but you know what, Mama and Papa? I now accepted my fate. And I’ll be gone soon, I hope you’re going to accept that too. It’s weird to say, but when I’m gone, please don’t be sad, continue living. It may hurt for a while but you’ll get through it. Go and enjoy your lives, I don’t want you to feel sad because of me. Please be happy. We’ll see each other again, soon.

Ps. I love you two, thank you for the love and support, Mama and Papa! ❤

Pps. You guys are the best, always.

Love, Elira

(wipes her tears)

I decided to write them a letter since I feel like they want to avoid that topic.

(Places the letter under her pillow before taking a rest)

I feel so tired already.

(Memories started to flashback)

(reminiscing)

I was so happy; it’s my 16th birthday when my friends and I decided to have a sleepover. They chose our house since it’s my birthday, at first I thought that Mama won’t allow me but it turns out it’s fine with her! My room isn’t air-conditioned, but they said it’s fine. We talk all night, about our crushes, and some girl stuff. And when dawn came we’re all crying, we’re having heart-to-heart talk that’s why. It’s 4 a.m in the morning when we decided to sleep.

(smiling at that thought)

How I wish we can do that again, but no, I promised myself to slowly avoid them. And they’re busy with their school stuffs.

(falls asleep while thinking of her friends)

(wakes up, still yawning)

I miss my friends, I’m thinking of ways on how I can thank them. And just like what I did earlier, I decided to write them a letter; it’s the only thing I can do right now.

To my girls,

Hello guys, it’s been a while! :) How are you guys doing? How about your studies? Are you guys all good? Good luck to you guys, you need to finish school so that you’ll be able to do the things you always wanted to do. Don’t study hard, study smart, okay? Please know that I’ll be always with you, even when I’m gone.

Estella, thank you for being such a good friend, you’re my best friend, forever. You treated me like I’m your sister, thank you so much.

Anais, please know that I love you and I’ll continue supporting you, you’ll be a great artist, I believe in you!

Naomi, you always overthink and compare yourself to others, I hope you’ll overcome your insecurities please remember that you’re more beautiful when you have flaws. We love you for who you are.

Thank you so much gals! I know that you love me, and I love you too. Be happy okay? Life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, there are times where we will have to say goodbye to our loved ones, and it is now the time for us to bid goodbye. Don’t be too sad. Take care, gals!

Elira

(finishes writing and suddenly remember her life plans)

At 19, I’ll be in college, I’ll study in a community college, and take Education as my course, I always wanted to be a teacher. And when I finished college, I’ll be applying in a private school before I take the LET. It’s also part of my plans to teach in a public school and then go abroad after 3–4 years of teaching here in the Philippines. But this leukemia of mine happened.

(shakes her head) It’s okay, Elira. It’s okay.

Ah, this thing sucks, I feel so tired again. I wonder if I’ll still be sick when I die. Oh my God, here we go again…

(coughs)

(having a hard time breathing)

Oh please, I hate this. Just take me already, don’t let me suffer like this.

(cries as she continues coughing)

I tried my best to get up and drink water, I don’t want to bother my parents, I don’t want to call them. I can handle this. Also, I really can’t call them; I’m too weak to even utter a word.

As I lay down in my bed, I allotted a few minutes of my remaining time talking to Him.

(closes her eyes) Dear God, whatever Your plan for me is, then let Your will be done. Amen.

(having a severe headache)

Ahhh! (holding her head trying to contain the pain)

(starts to cough blood)

This (continuously cough) is it.